Improving Your marriage: syllabus

The seven principles for making marriage work by john gottman

Creating a love jar:

Get 2 empty jars.  Decorate them if you wish, but you don’t have to.  Label one jar with your name, and one with your husband’s name.  Have your husband write down 5 things he’d like you to do to show him love, and you write down 5 things you’d like him to do to show you love (on separate pieces of paper, so that you’ve each written on 5 little pieces of paper).  Fold up your pieces of paper, and stick the ones that you wrote in your own love jar.  Every time the syllabus says “Draw a Love Jar item,” draw a piece of paper from his love jar (and have him draw one from yours).  Do not tell each other which one you’ve drawn, just make it a plan to follow through with whatever that piece of paper asks you to do sometime that week.   

Week one: 

Read Chapter 1, pages 1 to 24

Take notes, write down your thoughts, and discuss it on Friday

Also on Friday, play the Love Maps 20 Questions game (page 52)

Draw a Love Jar item on Friday.

Week two: 

Read Chapter 2, pages 25 to 46

Take notes, write down your thoughts, and discuss it on Friday

Week three: 

Read Chapter 3, pages 47 to 60

Do Exercise 2, “Make Your Own Love Maps”, pages 54 to 56

Discuss this, as well as any other thoughts, on Friday.

Draw a Love Jar item on Friday

Week four: 

Work hard on Exercise 3 in Chapter 3 (page 56-59)

Discuss it with each other on Friday

Over the weekend, work on Exercise 2 in Chapter 4 (pages 70-71)

Week five: 

Read Chapter 4, pages 61-77

On Monday, begin Exercise 3 (page 72) and continue it for the next 7 weeks

Do Exercise 1, “I Appreciate…” (page 68)

Discuss these things, as well as any other thoughts, on Friday.

Draw a Love Jar item on Friday

Week six: 

Read Chapter 5, pages 79-97 (long chapter!)

Do the exercise “Is Your Marriage Primed for Romance?” (pg 81)

Do Exercise 1: “The Emotional Bank Account” (pg 83)

Do Exercise 2: “The Stress-Reducing Conversation” (pg. 87)

Discuss each of these exercises on Friday!

Week seven: 

Read Chapter 6, pages 98-109

Do the Accepting Influence Questionnaire, pg. 116-117

Do Exercise 3 from chapter 5 “What to Do When Your Spouse Doesn’t Turn Toward You.” (pages 93-96)

Draw a Love Jar item on Friday

Week eight: 

Read Chapter 6, pages 109-127

Do Exercise 1: “Yield to Win” (pages 117 to 123)

Do Exercise 2: “The Gottman Island Survival Game”  (page 123) on Friday night

Week nine: 

Read Chapter 7, pages 129-155

Answer the Solvable or Perpetual questions on pages 135-140

Do the exercise “Assessing Your Marital Conflicts Questionnaire, pages 140-148.

Do the exercise “Your Last Argument” (pages 150-154)

Discuss these things on Friday

Draw a Love Jar item on Friday

Week ten: 

Read Chapter 8, pages 157-172

Do the exercise “Harsh Startup Questionnaire” (pages 162-163)

Do Exercise 1 “Softened Startup” (pages 167-170)

Do the “Repair Attempts Questionnaire” (pages 170-172)

Discuss these things on Friday.

Week eleven: 

Read Chapter 8, page 172-187

Do the “Flooding Questionnaire” (pages 177-178)

Do Exercise 2 “Self-Soothing” (pages 178 to 179)

Do Exercise 3 “Soothing Each Other” (page 180)

Friday night do Exercise 4 (pages 182 to 184) and Exercise 5 (pages 184-185)

Draw a Love Jar item on Friday

Week twelve: 

Read Chapter 9, pages 187-204

Do Exercise 1, “In-Law Problems” (pages 193-194)

Discuss these things on Friday

Week thirteen: 

Read Chapter 9, pages 204-216

Fill out the “Who Does What” list (pages 207 to 210)

Discuss these things on Friday

Draw a Love Jar item on Friday

Week fourteen: 

Read Chapter 10, pages 217-231

Do Exercise 1, “Detecting Dreams” pages 225 to 231

Talk about this on Friday

Week fifteen: 

Read Chapter 10, pages 231 to 241

Do Exercise 2, “Say Thank You” pages 240 to 241

Discuss these things on Friday

Draw a Love Jar item on Friday

Week sixteen: 

Read Chapter 11, pages 243-255

Do the “Shared Meaning Questionnaire” on pages 246 to 250

Do Exercise 1: “Rituals” (pages 251 to 252)

Do Exercise 2: “Roles” (pages 254-255)

Talk about these things on Friday

Week seventeen: 

Finish off Chapter 11, pages 255 (starting at “Personal Goals”) to 258

Do Exercise 3: “Goals” (pages 256-257)

Do Exercise 4: “Symbols” (page 258)

Also read “Afterward, What Now,” pages 259 to 266

Do “An Exercise in Thanksgiving,” pages 265 to 266

Talk about these things on Friday

Draw a Love Jar item on Friday