Friendship 

I am no expert, by any means, but herein I will list the things I have learned along the way.

My first rule: Be a friend.  Don’t just expect everyone else to welcome you in, invite you over, or call you.  Do the things you’d like others to do to you.  (Where have we heard that before? :)

I’ve heard people say that they don’t have any friends because everyone around them is different from them.  There are 2 potential problems going on here:

1. A fear that you might be rejected by other people if you believe anything different from them.  If this is really a fear that you have, then you’re a people pleaser.  Read this book and learn about God’s view of you, and how you don’t need to please people because you already please Him.
2. A belief that you really can’t be friends with others who have any different views than you or who are in different stages of life from you.  I don’t have a great book for you to read other than the Bible—check out who Jesus hung out with.  They weren’t exactly wonderful, sinless people like Him…He had friends from different walks of life, different stages, different areas, etc.  I highly recommend grace in friendships.  Allow people to have different views, different things they enjoy, etc., where Scripture allows.  And don’t be black & white about things that God’s word is not black and white about—stop setting up unreasonable standards for yourself and others.  Stop the judgment and enjoy God’s people! 

An older woman recently told me “evaluate your friendships.”  Are you on an “equal level” with the majority of your friends?  Do you seek out needy people in an effort to mother them?  Or are you that needy person being mothered by friends?  Pray about this, you really should have some friends that you can connect to.

Friends should encourage each other.  It should not be one-sided--if you’re the only one getting encouragement, start working hard to encourage.  If you’re the only one encouraging and you’re not receiving any affirmation from a friend, step back and think about the friendship.  Read the info below…

Warning: Toxic Friendships:

I highly recommend the book The Search For Significance to evaluate your own life.  Some people use friends to make themselves feel better.  These kinds of friendships can be damaging.  Some ways that these “friends” might manipulate you:

·        She’ll want you to come to a public place with her, but she’ll barely spend any time with you the whole time you are there.  You’re making that “friend” look good by going somewhere with her, but she really doesn’t care to spend time with you.

·        She might be nice to you when you’re alone, but as soon as you get around other people, she knocks you down and builds herself up.

·        She never encourages or affirms you, but is constantly encouraging and affirming herself, while seeking your affirmation and encouragement as well.

·        She constantly interrupts the things you say, and just wants to be heard.

I just want to warn you about these kinds of people, because if you have a wrong view of what God thinks about you (I think so many people do, and don’t even realize it!), then this kind of “friendship” can make things worse for you.  If you’re grounded in God’s view of you (and too many are NOT), any insults from this type of “friend” will naturally just roll off your back—or you will, without much thought, stay away from such people.

If you find yourself constantly performing to keep a friend, that is not a healthy friendship.  If you feel like you have to live up to a certain, unbiblical standard to keep a friend, it is not a healthy friendship.  If you make decisions in life only to please your friend, it is not a healthy friendship.  Life is not about pleasing people, it’s about pleasing God. 

You should be able to be yourself around a friend.  It starts with just being yourself.  If they accept you, great—if not, that’s ok, God does—move on…Don’t hurt people, love them the way you want to be loved.  Listen to them the way you want to be listened to.  Encourage them the way you want to be encouraged.  If you get no response, and it’s a one-sided relationship, step back, pray, and evaluate…

This is the definition of friendship from Webster’s 1828 dictionary:

“An attachment to a person, proceeding from intimate acquaintance, and a reciprocation of kind offices, or from a favorable opinion of the amiable and respectable qualities of his mind. Friendship differs from benevolence, which is good will to mankind in general, and from that love which springs from animal appetite. True friendship is a noble and virtuous attachment, springing from a pure source, a respect for worth or amiable qualities. False friendship may subsist between bad men, as between thieves and pirates. This is a temporary attachment springing from interest, and may change in a moment to enmity and rancor.

There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity.

There is little friendship in the world.

The first law of friendship is sincerity.”

Be real.  “The first law of friendship is sincerity.”  Don’t smile and act super friendly when you’re feeling something else.  Don’t use any techniques that manipulate people into liking you.  There are books out there that will teach you how to influence people which probably work great if you’re trying to sell something, but are you really trying to sell yourself?  Don’t manipulate people.  Be real.  Be sincere.  Be loving.  Be the friend that you want to have.