Perhaps I should call this blog section “Brenda’s Monthly Blog,” because, though I think about writing several times a week, I only end up writing about once per month.  There is so much to say…

            Tonight I am really sad, and scared, and have been crying and praying.  My husband and I have allotted every other Monday night to be my “Serious Moms” time, when I get to really focus on updating the site and polishing it up.  I’ve been doing that tonight, but I am having a really hard time focusing.  It’s a long story, so go get a cup of tea or hot chocolate, or that other yucky caffeinated stuff. J  A nice hot cup of chai sounds good, doesn’t it?  Have a seat, relax, and cry with me….pray with me…

             Karry and I have been talking about adoption ever since before we got married.  We almost adopted a 1 year old from Kazakhstan and then got pregnant with our first son Isaac.  Our pregnancies were high-risk, and Isaac came at 26 weeks gestation, weighing in at 1 lb 10 oz.  Through prayer, 4 months of bed rest, having my cervix stitched shut, and also several shots of a drug to stop contractions, our second son; Kaleb was born only 3 weeks early.  At that point, knowing God had put it on our hearts to adopt and also knowing what a high risk my pregnancies were, we decided to have my tubes tied.

            A little less than one year ago (last November), we thought that we should probably start looking into the adoption process.  Isaac was 2 and Kaleb was almost 1, and we knew we would like the next child to be less than 2 years apart from Kaleb.  I asked a few women in my Bible study group to pray for us & for wisdom about when to adopt and how to go about it.  That very week, we received a phone call from a friend who was not in that group (and who we had not talked to about our plans to start the adoption process), and she asked me “do you want a baby?” 

            Since the beginning this thing had to have been planned by God because it just fell into our laps.  The baby’s grandparents go to our church and want to be in his life and they are such NEAT people.  We have really connected with them, and the baby’s older brother.

            It has been a long process.  We got to see the baby when he was three months old, but only twice.  We’ve worked with two different agencies (due to some issues with the first one), and the second agency told us that it would not be wise to see the baby (and could hinder our case when it got to committee), so we stopped seeing him.  He is now in his third foster home and we have been told by his case worker that we can adopt him privately.  The birth mom and the birth dad have both said that they want us to adopt him.

            Almost 1 year after that first phone call, we are still waiting.  The baby’s case worker can’t give us any dates, though back in the beginning of September we were told it would probably be only a few weeks….It has been over 6 weeks since we were told that. 

            Since September we have been getting our baby Noah (who is now a one year old, as of this last Friday) each weekend and we have been able to have him for 72 hours at a time.  We cannot become his foster parents, because that could mess up our potential to become his adoptive parents (because of working with two different counties).  Every weekend we drive 2 hours to get him; then 2 hours back home, have him for the weekend, and then do the 4 hour round trip again to drop him off.  It is getting harder and harder each time.

            Today it was really hard to leave him.  Today a hearing was happening regarding the baby, and the birth mom was supposed to go sign the papers at that hearing.  The birth dad has already signed his papers, and getting the mom to sign is the final step.  This morning I was thinking that the birth mom would sign, and maybe we could keep him forever TODAY!  I was so excited.  I was wrong….

            The birth mom did not show up at the hearing today.  I don’t know why, and I can only speculate…After all of that anticipation of FINALLY having him in our home for good, it was a huge let down.  Now they have to track her down and get her to sign the papers.

            Can you imagine what it’s like for a little one year old boy to go from home to home?  When I picked him up on Friday he wasn’t sure who should hold him—his foster mom or me.  He would reach for whichever person wasn’t holding him.  He was totally confused.  Today he just wanted me.  Kaleb was with me when I dropped him off, and I said “let’s go Kaleb” and he looked at me really confused.  Kaleb ran over to Noah and said “Ona” (that’s what he calls him) “Ona, Ona, pick you up” and he tried to pick Noah up but couldn’t.  So he just gave him a big hug and wouldn’t let go.  It was so sad…I grabbed Kaleb and kissed Noah goodbye again, and then Noah crawled as fast as he could to the door to get me.  His foster mom picked him up and he almost dove out of her arms towards me….

            Tonight in our boys’ bedroom there is an empty crib.  In the morning they will point to it and mention him, as they do every morning when he isn’t here.  Isaac tells me often (when Noah isn’t here) “Noah’s crying.”  (Isaac is three).  Mommy is crying.  We all want Noah here.

            Please, please, pray ladies.  I am sad tonight, but I know that this is in God’s hands and I do have hope.  Please pray that this plan that has been put in place by Him would take its course.  We want our little boy in our home.